Did you know that Nike has smart sneakers, since like 2019? I certainly have not, and I am having difficulty figuring out what to do with this piece of information, so I am posting about it here. The Verge has an article on the topic, which sometimes reads like a parody of itself: Hands-on with Nike’s self-lacing, app-controlled sneaker of the future
I flew across the country to Portland to experience the Adapt BB, Nike’s new self-lacing, Bluetooth-enabled sneakers, but the guy showing me around campus is wearing a pair of Zoom Flys that refuse to stay tied. Within 10 minutes of tying them, they’re untied again, flailing all over. I hate when people point out my untied shoes, but his feel intentional. Of course I notice the laces. Of course I point them out. He laughs and swears he’s not doing this on purpose, that Nike hasn’t deliberately set up my visit with a scene out of an infomercial fail.
Ok, ok, enough messing around, but what are this?
The Adapt BB — the BB stands for “basketball” — build on Nike’s decades-long dream to create an auto-lacing smart shoe that adapts to wearers’ feet.
Ok, sure, I guess, why the hell the not. Except, come on, they are smart sneakers, when was the last time that smart anything since the phone has made anything better for anybody? In completely unrelated news, apparently, due to a software bug, they were completely unusable after launch, and since we’re back in comedy land, I’m going to quote The Verge again as it is just hilarious:
The $350 Adapt BB went on sale this past weekend, and users started reporting issues soon after. Some report that either the left or right sneaker fails to pair after attempting to update them through the companion Android app. That means the sneaker can’t be tightened or properly worn. Some users say the update caused the motor to stop functioning, too, so even the physical buttons don’t work.
Internet of Shit indeed.